It’s 4AM. I haven’t gotten a blink of sleep. There’s something on my mind but I am so tired I can’t exactly point at what it might be. I’ve just been lying in my bed but that’s it. I think I need some fresh air. I need to process these thoughts because I’m sure it’s something I’ve been putting off for a long time and it’s catching up to me. I guess it wants to be heard, needs to be understood.
I hop out of the bed and go to the terrace. It’s so chilly and I’m wearing clothes so thin, it feels like I’m standing here naked. As much as I hate the cold, it actually feels nice right now. As the cold air stabs me, I soldier myself to the corner that is now my spot. It looks like it had rained some time back, the floor is wet and water has collected on the uneven parts of the rough cemented ground. It was when my feet got wet that I realised I’d forgotten to even put on my slippers. Somehow I didn’t hear the rain, I usually do. Maybe it was suppressed by the noise of my fan which I had on the max speed. Maybe it was the loud screams of my thoughts begging to be released from the prison I’d locked it up.
Although I haven’t been able to sleep, a lot of my senses are asleep. I feel heavy headed. I know I’m cold but it’s not properly registering in my head. But there’s one feeling that’s very prevalent. Ah, I can feel the lump in my throat. I’m not feeling very happy. It’s been a lonely few weeks. Even though I know I have people around me, I feel left out, stranded even. I haven’t spoken to anyone in so long. Have they not felt my absence? Do they maybe have others that have taken the place I once held in their life?
The clouds are still dark and the fog is so thick it’s blocked a lot of my view of the surroundings. The clouds are being moved by the howling wind and there’s the refreshing smell of petrichor. My eyes have adjusted to the dark and I can see things around me pretty clearly. It’s beautiful, the city at night.
I have never been one to have those huge groups of friends and even in this loneliness, it’s not something I regret. I treasure the small groups I’ve been a part of. I love that gotten to know and meet such beautiful people. It’s so strange that I’m feeling this way. Growing up as an introvert, this was my life! Why is it now that I’m feeling this way? I have friends now. I have beautiful memories with them. I know for a fact that some of them love me as much as I love them. If I need to, I could reach out but I guess I haven’t done that because I’d feel like a burden.
The skies are clearer now and even the fog seems to have reduced. I can see so much further now. Some of the buildings around me have their lights on, one of which is flickering.
I remember how it would really annoy one of my friends that this light was disturbing our view. “Ugh, why is that stupid light disturbing the whole vibe!”, she would’ve said. Whenever she would be annoyed by something silly, it would be a sign that there was something running in her head. As we’d speak about things, she would slowly let her guard down and finally tell me what it was. I’d always ask her why she didn’t start with that but it would always be about not wanting to bother me with her random thought. Wait. Could I be doing the same thing right now?
The skies had gotten brighter and much clearer. Behind me, the sky was a brilliant purple. The fog had almost disappeared; the sun was slowly rising. I’ve spent a few hours up here without realising it. I had forgotten to bring my phone with me so I couldn’t check the time but I’m pretty sure it’s around 6 already.
I think the cold is finally getting to me because I’m freezing. Hey, all my senses are back. My head feels a lot lighter, too. Something feels a lot more resolved inside of me. While I always thought it was silly that a friend would think they were being a burden, I was doing exactly that. Really, I just wanted to be around people I love and it bothered me that we hadn’t spoken in so long. I have no reason to even think my friends wouldn’t want me around. It usually happens when I’ve suppressed my feelings for long enough that it comes off as something a lot bigger than it is. It’s probably time for me to reach out to someone today instead of waiting. Maybe grab a coffee with them as soon as we can, tell them that I’ve missed them. For now, I need to go grab a sweater and some hot tea.
-x-
We often try to push away uncomfortable feelings. It’s easier to push them away than to sit down and process it but it’s usually not such a good idea to do so. If you need to talk, your friend would be honored not burdened. If you would do it for them, they would for you. That’s how friends are, or at least how they’re supposed to be 🙂
This is a beautiful piece of art by my friend that inspired me to write today’s post. You can check out more of their work on their Instagram handle : @artzinoid
Cynical Souls 